DOPPELTHINGERS

MAYONNAISE/ HEART Oh, dont worry guys, just some MAYONNAISE that...

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 14:36:00 -0500

MAYONNAISE/ HEART

Oh, dont worry guys, just some MAYONNAISE that looks EXACTLY like a CLOGGED HEART. I don’t care. Thats not a CRAZY FUCKING BIRD SIGN coincidence. No need to call TIRESIAS, soothsayer of THEBES. I certainly dont see any reason to BUY A HORSES PLACENTA and BURY IT WITH MY NEIGHBORS DOG. Of course not. Oh, by all means, CALL THE POLICE. Its not like I’M NOT KEGELING ON THE LAWN. Really. I DONT CARE. Its NOT A BIG DEAL.

in other news, inflation is coming down on us hard, guys. SELL GOLD NOW!

SO-CAL NACHO yo kevin got da sickest beanz snack 2go at Dizy...

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 14:00:03 -0500

SO-CAL NACHO

yo kevin got da sickest beanz snack 2go at Dizy Land, & he was all, i dont need a bag im gonn wear da beanz, LOLz LOLz but then he kept wearin it & fo real yo kevin haz never taken them off, he sayz, stay tru & keep a pozitive 4 manny & the dodgers and never compromise, Kevin iz legend

NAPKIN/ GHOST Oh, its “gross” to show...

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 18:20:00 -0400

NAPKIN/ GHOST

Oh, its “gross” to show somebody’s blood-soaked napkin? Tell that to the gallery boys in Chelsea, selling doo-doo smears for two hundreds and a nickel. Art is Real, people. Art is ugly. Sometimes you cut your testicle on a tin can and that’s a fucking performance piece. Sometimes you burn your nose off, just because you can! And I’ll be damned if I don’t get a few molars for this napkin installation.

Contact J.R. for pricing.

CHICKEN STRIP/ MUMMY Mummy?!? Um, more like: YUMMY! More like:...

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 19:17:07 -0400

CHICKEN STRIP/ MUMMY

Mummy?!? Um, more like: YUMMY! More like: MUM’S THE BIRD! Am I right?! But, seriously…those arms will cut your exit-eye seven ways to Sunday on the way out. I’ve seen an anal fissure or two that that could hide Zlata’s fucking Diary….AND DID!

KETCHUP/ WOOLLY MAMMOTH The last time I found a Woolly Mammoth...

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 16:15:00 -0400

KETCHUP/ WOOLLY MAMMOTH

The last time I found a Woolly Mammoth in my Breakfast, I married the bitch! Talk about a shotgun wedding…If I’d known, I would have used a bazooka instead! On myself!

Stick around. We got Balloon Arts with Kevin at 7.

CAPPUCCINO FOAM/ ELK (look on the rim, not the middle, you...

Wed, 09 May 2012 13:23:00 -0400

CAPPUCCINO FOAM/ ELK (look on the rim, not the middle, you swine)
c/o Tyler—“Try Harder”—Thompson

“I’ve seen hearts and flowers drawn in my foam, but this is ridiculous!” — Asshole P. Fannies, food critic

CHICKEN CUTLET/ BOSTON TERRIER/ CAT I say this is a chicken...

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 13:33:51 -0400

CHICKEN CUTLET/ BOSTON TERRIER/ CAT

I say this is a chicken cutlet. In reality I have no idea what it is and I don’t need anybody’s judgment about that. It could be a hash brown. It could be a Japanese cracker. I don’t know,ok? I’m not a fucking music-man. I can’t create magic with a flute or summon wraiths through song. Sure, I have a hardboiled egg in my bra. Who, without a fucking death wish, doesn’t? So get off my back, government swine. Its a free country and I can build a house of leather goods in the goddamn woods if I want to.

Oh, and quick plug: animal-balloonery tonight. my place. the woods. cash only.

MAN’S FACE (jesus?) / PIZOOKIE (PIZZA-COOKIE) FROM...

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 16:04:22 -0400

MAN’S FACE (jesus?) / PIZOOKIE (PIZZA-COOKIE) FROM BJ’S RESTAURANT
(c/o Christina, and her rad blog: http://flyinginmyairplane.blogspot.com/ )

Look, I don’t even care if you see the face or not. Thats not what this is about. This is about respect for an institution called BJs that serves up an appetizer sampler that will wipe the smile off a fucking clown’s fucking face. You get wings, you get ‘dilla triangles, you get potato wedges— LASER FUCKING CUT!!—you get bruschetta squares, you get a sexual chicken wonton that will bind your feet back to the Orient.

Oh, you want to make a joke about it being called BJs? You think thats funny? Well I’ve never seen a blow-jay goof take down the bold flavors of a chimichanga platter, replete WITH a cool garlic aioli and a curl of fucking greens.

I think I rest my case.

TANGERINE PEEL/ WALKING MAN (or Berlin’s Ampelmann? Or...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 09:56:00 -0500

TANGERINE PEEL/ WALKING MAN (or Berlin’s Ampelmann? Or Yoshi from Mario? Or Fighting Irish?)

Things that are insane about this find: he has a distinct eye and mouth, a perfect nose and hair (or hat!), two complete legs and an arm; and if you look closely, a tiny tiny tiny tiny little wee-wee and one tiny ball.

Ok! I think that about does it.

TREE COVER (Im as confused as you are)/ DOG WITH TONGUE...

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:04:27 -0500

TREE COVER (Im as confused as you are)/ DOG WITH TONGUE OUT

Guys, I dont know whats going on here. I’m not Nostradamus, ok? This isn’t the work of a scientist or a pharmacist or physician. I’m just a lopsided nightmare-factory trying to make her way. And I’m not a preschool teacher. Im not your “local gymnast.” This isn’t “Waking Ned Devine,” the comical Irish tale about what happens when people stop planning, and start living.

Ah. Forget it. I’ll be in my crawl space.

Bring snack(s).

ROCK/ GHOSTphoto c/o Karen Harrison Guys, TOTAL goof-fest on the...

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 09:31:03 -0500

ROCK/ GHOST
photo c/o Karen Harrison

Guys, TOTAL goof-fest on the trail today! EVERYBODY was wasted. All the gang was there: Tu-lox, Ghost Mom, Ghost Dad, Chim Chim Cheroo, Junnifer, Coby, Willis X. Found Ghost Rock just chillin’ there. So chill. #chill

SNUGGIE BLANKET/CREEPY FACE Remember that game “two truths...

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:35:32 -0500

SNUGGIE BLANKET/CREEPY FACE

Remember that game “two truths & a lie?”

1) My parents sent me this photo in an email titled “REALLY? COME ON!”
2) Its a screen capture from the show Hoarding:Buried Alive.
3) I’m a happy, well-adjusted person.

OK! Now Guess!

WATER UNDER DRINKING GLASS/ PIG Even my drinking glass agrees...

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 19:57:00 -0500

WATER UNDER DRINKING GLASS/ PIG

Even my drinking glass agrees with Mother.

CRUSHED STYROFOAM TAKE-OUT BOX/ ANGRY FACE / SWEET LIL...

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 17:01:00 -0500

CRUSHED STYROFOAM TAKE-OUT BOX/ ANGRY FACE / SWEET LIL HAMSTER

According to lore, people see different things when they look at this doppelthinger. So, in that way, its not too different from that chic Mayan wheel in the movie Chocolat, so, in that way, IT MEANS EVERYTHING.

I, for example, see an angry face, so Im like the Judy Dench. But My friend, @KyleMillerYoga, for example, sees a cute hamster, so shes like Pontouf, the imaginary kangaroo character. But, NOBODY, not NOBODY, is like Rourd, the Johnny Depp river-rat character, because there is only one man skilled enough to see those dark waters, and thats Paul Reiser.

— Scrotum, London, 1967.

OATMEAL/ HAPPY FACE I shit you not, world, this is the SECOND...

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 10:07:32 -0500

OATMEAL/ HAPPY FACE

I shit you not, world, this is the SECOND time I’ve ordered something at The Smile that has a smile on it. The first time it was a mail-order bride! Am I right? No, im just kidding. It was an egg sandwich.

But, you better believe the honeymoon was still as hot as they come! No, im just kidding. It was pretty messy and the hotel pool was closed :-( There was no smiley face on this old bowl-o-curds that day!

Eeek. Nose bleed!

SHOWER HAIR/CARTOON MOUSEphoto & concept courtesy of Melissa...

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 10:48:57 -0500

SHOWER HAIR/CARTOON MOUSE
photo & concept courtesy of Melissa S, @BadAssMother400

Gaia bless Melissa, who stood up for what she believed in and submitted her own Doppelthinger. Unlike the rest of you, who I will collectively name “Carl,” because THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE ACTING LIKE. A bunch of fucking Carls, who think their shower hair is too good to be photographed. Oh, you dont have petrified ingrown hairs on your mons pubis that look like a constellation? Oh, you don’t get cold tortilla crumbs on your sweater that could maybe, just maybe, resemble the face of Athena? Or perhaps Hestia, mother of the hearth?

BULLSHIT. We all do. So lighten up, take a lesson from Melissa, and send your photos in: thingsthatlooklikeotherthings@gmail.com

And may Gaia have mercy on all of you.

SIDEWALK PUDDLE/ UMBRELLA Look, its not a joke, you guys, okay?...

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:36:29 -0500

SIDEWALK PUDDLE/ UMBRELLA

Look, its not a joke, you guys, okay? This is a puddle of rain in the shape of umbrella. Its like who is dream and who is the dreamer? Who watches the watchmen??? Who watches the FUCKING watchmen?!

In other news, im sitting on a coil pot of hemmorhoids right now and could really use a friend.

PAVEMENT SPILL/ SWAN A SWIMMIN’ Yeah, thats right. Its...

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:51:57 -0500

PAVEMENT SPILL/ SWAN A SWIMMIN’

Yeah, thats right. Its just a swan. Its not some pop culture icon, or some funny play on words, ok? I’m not a magician. I’m not Hestia, goddess of the hearth. I’m just a “girl” with ambiguous genitalia, a small tail, and a pocket full of dreams, small change, fingernails, wild berries, and an inhaler. Sorry we can’t all buy “regular-width” shoes.

TRAFFIC LIGHT SHADOW/ HANGMAN (and possibly, his widow, in...

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 12:04:00 -0500

TRAFFIC LIGHT SHADOW/ HANGMAN (and possibly, his widow, in distress?)

You can only imagine how it baked my loose eggs to find this. Let’s just say “they discovered me 2 weeks later, underneath the help desk at the local Y, in a nest of hair and coupons.” Or that, “I hadn’t showered, and everybody in the Y kept asking if somebody had ordered Chinese food, because it smelled like Chinese food, stuffed into terriers.” Or that, “My sweat pants had lost their elasticity so long ago, that I had them pulled up to my neck and sinched, and was playing pretend-Caterpiller”

What they didn’t realize was that this is just how I do my weekly discounting shopping, so that some two-cent Karen doesn’t come along and take all the T-Gel savings before I do. Let’s just say, “I’ve killed a man for less.” Let’s just say, “I killed that grabby Henry and hung him up on a street light.”

So, I ask…Are you watching carefully?…the prestige!

ULTRASOUND OF TESTICLE/ FACE IN AGONYphoto courtesy of: NY Daily...

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:01:55 -0400

ULTRASOUND OF TESTICLE/ FACE IN AGONY
photo courtesy of: NY Daily News

“Well team, it looks like my work here is done. This is what I came here to do, and now that everything worked out, I guess I’ll be on my way. We really did it though, didn’t we? Lets just say, Ill see you guys soon. Dad, I’m coming home.” — Jesus

But, all joking aside, the tumor was benign! Or else I’d really have some egg on my face. Or should I say, some testicle…

Wink. Fade into glitter.